Pope declares “unitarian Christians” only “consistent” Protestants, Christian world confused and bored
By Brandon Duke, for Affiliated Press
April 1, 2021: Vatican City
In a scathing Easter vigil message, Pope Francis condemned “hypocritical” Protestant Christians, “For hundreds of years they tell us they are protesting rule by bishops, and claim to be going ‘back to the sources’, and yet they still confess our most sacred Trinity as their own.” He continued, “Those unitarian Protestants, while heretics, are at least consistent.”
After initially mistakenly contacting Unitarian Universalist spokespersons for comment, CNN reported that a representative of the “Unitarian Christian Alliance” reached out to their reporters via phone,”We are so excited to be in the news… you got down that we are not UU’s right… oh man, we get called heretics all the time, quite a thrill to be singled out by the Pope himself”.
Speaking with reporters after the vigil, Pope Francis continued to press his point, “Truly it is a matter of historical record, and church tradition, that it was the authority of Church Councils that established the doctrine of the Trinity. I mean, can’t they see the obviousness of their inconsistency?”
A spokesman for the Shonuf Baptist Conference responded this afternoon, saying: “We are just searchin through our King James Version bibles, like the apostles did, and finding the Trinity where we can, you know, here and there. What’s the problem?”
TV bible scholar and pundit Dr. C.U. Talkmore, cheered the Pope’s enthusiasm: “It’s great to see the church clap back at the Magisterial Reformation. All this ecumenism is terrible for ratings and book sales.”
But his optimism may be premature, as a recent Gallup poll showed fewer people could correctly identify a description of the Trinity, than could solve a quadrilateral equation. And among Christians polled, fewer than 1 in 10,000 (none polled) could name the location of a single Church Council. The top false answer was “Atlanta”.
“Church history and Christian doctrine isn’t a big part of our ministry”, megachurch pastor Hugh Poser said when questioned between shows. “But we know the Trinity is true, and Jesus is God, and everything flows from that. We can draw from that well to teach on anything: marriage, family, sexual ethics, horticulture, small engine repair, how to cure your slice on the golf course, heck even tithing. Especially tithing, I love preaching on tithing.”
One Christian interviewed while leaving church, his bible in hand, said “Actually, I’ve not really studied the matter much. I love God, and his son Jesus, so I’ll probably give the matter some attention. I mean, I don’t want to believe something just because it’s a tradition, right?”.
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If only it were so… Happy April Fools all, and God bless your pursuit of truth! – Brandon